MY FRIEND
by Kayryn
Summary: Kathryn takes a look back 20 years. WARNING! ANGST!


MY FRIEND  
  
By Kay Shadow  
  
Disclaimers: Oh, whatever, they're not giving me what I want so I'm gonna have to come up with it myself. Now what does that tell you about TPTB???  
  
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I was always aware of it. I always knew how much he worked for my benefit. Now that I think of it, I feel guilty because I never let him know how much I appreciated it. How much it meant for me to know that I had his support, his shoulder to lean on. I did give him hints, on several occasions, and I know he knew what I meant. I gave him hints, told him a thank you on several occasions. Thanks for a dinner, or a nice day of shore leave. Or a beautiful peace rose he would give me when I was having a hard time. In all these years, there was only that one time I told him what it all meant to me. How much HE meant to me. It was on the day of his wedding.  
  
  
  
20 yrs. earlier:  
  
B'Elanna looked at her friend. "Well mister? You ready now?"  
  
Chakotay looked at himself in the mirror before answering. "As ready as I'll ever be."  
  
At the sound of the chime, B'Elanna smiled turning and opened the door expecting her husband, Tom Paris. Her surprise was obvious when the one standing on the outside was Kathryn Janeway.  
  
"Am I disturbing you? I can come by later. I mean, I can talk to you after the reception, if you'd."  
  
In all her life Torres never would have thought she'd live to see her Captain so uncertain and hesitant. Chakotay's voice broke into her thoughts.  
  
"Not at all. Come on in, Kathryn." So odd, Torres mused. After all this he still calls her by her first name. Again, her thoughts were interrupted by Chakotay. "I'll see you at the reception B'Elanna."  
  
Nodding affirmative, the Engineer left her commanding officers, her friends, alone.  
  
As the doors closed Chakotay turned to Janeway's direction. "What can I do for you, Kathryn?"  
  
"I wanted to come by and wish you good luck." Kathryn cursed herself for letting her voice tremble. She's practiced this for two days now. She shouldn't have any problems.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Chakotay. I feel like there's something I need to tell you. I'd like you to let me say what's on my mind. and if you then have something to."  
  
"It's OK, Kathryn. I'm listening."  
  
She couldn't believe this. It was his wedding day for Cripes sake!! She couldn't do this to him. And not to Jessica either. Suddenly Kathryn felt an uncontrollable urge to run away and hide forever. God, she couldn't do this after all. She couldn't tell him. He'd be so torn! She couldn't ask him to give his bride up for. for what? God, Kathryn, you're really losing it. Get a grip!! Just tell him good luck and be done with it!  
  
"Chakotay, I've been going this over in my head for a few weeks now. I know I need say it but the truth be told, I've never been very good at going around things. More like getting right into the point." She chuckled. " So. I'm happy for you. I really am. For both you and Jessica. I'm happy that you've moved on. Spirits know it wasn't easy, I know. But it never would have worked between us, my friend. We've been over that before, so that's all I'm gonna say about that. But I. I want to thank you for being here for me all these years. For being my most trusted, loyal friend a person could ever ask for. I know I've never been the easiest person to get along with, but you've stood by me. And I really, really appreciate that. Not many people would do that. I also know I haven't told you this before and likely never will again, at least not in this many words." Heaven help her this was getting more difficult all the time. "I'm very grateful to be able to call you my friend. In an ideal world, in different circumstances, what we wanted could have been.. But as it is, I'm the luckiest woman in the Galaxy to have you as a friend." Having said this she turned and headed for the door.  
  
Stopping her before the doors opened, Chakotay said. "You mean it? In different circumstances? What WE wanted?."  
  
Kathryn turned to face him with a sad smile on her beautiful face. "My friend, you're bride is waiting, and I have very little time to get to the holodeck where I am shortly going to perform a ceremony." Stepping closer she hugged him and whispered. "Be happy. Not for me, and not for her, but for yourself. You've earned it, my Friend."  
  
With that Janeway let go and a stunned Chakotay left---- leaving Kathryn behind.  
  
"God, I love you Chakotay. I always will. My friend." Soon after him, she left and headed for the holodeck.  
  
  
  
Back to the present:  
  
  
  
It seems like yesterday, 20 years ago. That day I walked down to the Holodeck, and married them. I don't regret it. I'm not saying I never did. Hell, when I was supposed to say 'you may kiss the bride' I nearly shoved poor Jessica out of my way and did that part myself. Good thing B'Elanna was there then. My other friend.  
  
And now, my third friend is on it's way. Death. I'm not afraid to die. In fact I feel I'm more than ready. I had a message from Katie, telling me that her dad has left to join his ancestors. Poor girl, she misses him so much. I only wish I could be there for her like her father was there for me.  
  
Not this time. I can feel it coming. In an odd way, it's calming. Knowing there's no escape this time. No cheating. I never really believed in afterlife. Especially after that alien, in the Delta Quadrant. You know the one that claimed to be my father..  
  
One of these days someone will find this and wonder what on Earth this is. Well, let me tell you. These are the last written thoughts of a woman who had the best friend this life can offer.  
  
Kathryn Janeway.  
  
  
  
The end..  
  
  
  
OK, those who wanna kill me, pls think before you do. You'll get caught anyway. 


End file.
